Looking back; an honest look back at my prenatal Down syndrome diagnosis.

I wanted to be more real than I have in my other posts about Tregs diagnosis. When I wrote my first blog to update everyone in my social media circle that Treg was going to have trisomy 21 I had already had so much time to consul my feelings, and feel positive emotions on our diagnosis. After the video we were apart of recently,  I had so many moms reach out to me and ask me, out of fear, how long did it take me to truly accept the diagnosis, and love Treg?  On the outside, just looking at my social media, reading my blog, it looks like I am made for this. It appears that Treg is the child I always thought I would have. That his diagnosis doesn't phase me, and that I actually enjoy tending to all his special needs. Well that is the truth-now. Although it was no where near the life I thought I would have, and I wouldn't have ever wanted this, before he came. So I just want to be raw and real for the new mothers that get the trisomy 21 diagnosis.

Down syndrome was in everything from the moment I got a positive on the quad screening test. I felt it from the moment I woke, in my morning prayers pleading "please if it's in your will, let Treg be a normal child." 

In every laugh someone else was having, I would think "they are lucky they can have so much happiness." In every baby I saw "why can they have a normal child?" I lived in Houston, and on average the mothers are quite a bit older, because they are career women. How did these women twice my age, have typical children? In every tear, when I would imagine my life in the future with a special needs child. I was so bitter. Down syndrome was in every feeling. Stealing all my happiness. 

I would say to myself secretly, that this was a mistake, and it would just be a miracle when Treg came out totally normal. He was so strong, so wiggly, he couldn't possibly have Down syndrome. But all the signs pointed against that secret wish. I slowly each day became a little less resentful. I began thinking of all the things I could do for Treg. I began to focus on the technicals. Everyone has a way of coping. mine was that if I was going to have a baby with special needs, I would give him the best shot he could get. I would  get him the best therapies, the best education, and know everything i possibly could to help Treg. I dove into research. I learned so much about Down syndrome, and I knew how I would take care of Treg. Because that was the only way I knew how to love him. But I didn't feel that bond. I would still find myself weeping in my car after work. Then one day I found myself in my car again crying over a problem with my insurance and worried about Treg not being taken care of. Saying to Treg with my hands on my stomach "it's okay, mommy will take care of us." My love for Treg was distant. It was hard. I never felt like he was "my baby" That was the first time I really remember feeling like a mother to Treg. 

Then, Treg was born. I held him for the first time, and remember thinking how small and helpless he looked, connected to a million wires, and thought, I am your mother, and I will do everything in my power to make you feel my love. My love grew from a technicality to a feeling. Weeks went by and I found myself proud to talk about My baby having Down syndrome to others. then months went by, and Treg became JUST my baby. I didn't see a diagnosis. I saw my baby. It just takes time. Time to find a love beyond what Treg has, and who he really is, all his adorable quirks, that might even be Down syndrome related. But honestly I don't realize that they are, because those things are just what makes my Treg, Treg. 

 Now Down syndrome is still in everything. From my morning prayer, "thank you for letting me be Tregs mom." To every laugh. When I walk into my house and hear Treg giggling with his dad. To every baby I see, and think "I would totally love to have another baby with Down syndrome."  Where it used to only take, now It brings me all my happiness.