Hello, my only one.

Its almost 7 a.m. I get up and sneak out before shift change. I don't like shift change.
"Baby is on high flow oxygen, he struggled last night to..."
 I tune out The nurse who is informing the one replacing her for the day, as I walk out towards the elevator. I can't do that part. I cant listen to my baby's problems being listed, its desensitizing. It hurts my heart a little more when each complication is stacked up like that.
"For some reason we are losing baby's vitals, it seems with every contraction, his heart cant sustain himself. Hold on just one minute."

Literally with in 5 seconds there is a doctor digging up inside me for the pill that was inserted to soften my cervix, but actually sent me into labor, while another nurse is giving me a shot in the arm to stop the labor, another nurse is frantically searching for baby's heart beat on the ultra sound, another was feeling around my stomach trying to get an idea how strong my contractions were. I look over to Jordan, to see him taking pictures... yes pictures. Now I cant stop laughing thinking about this moment. I guess that is the one thing I asked him to do. (to his credit little did I know until later he was mending a broken heart watching baby flat line every few minutes, I was too focused on my pain to notice how often that was occurring) Then a fifth person walks in.

 "Hi Taylor, my name is Dr.Smith, I'm the chief of surgery here, and I wanted to ask, well not really ask, but kind of tell you that we will be taking the baby by c section. He cannot survive the strong contractions, at this point his heart is flat lining every single time, we are going to have to take you right now. Please sign this consent for emergency c section, please state here you have no living will, please initial here that you understand the complications of this procedure, and here that you understand the side effects possible with the epidural"
Jordan and i have a tendency that we have developed lately. We try to make a little too light of the situations we have been given. It seems to just break the tension in the Dr's offices, delivery rooms, operation rooms, etc. So when we are in the delivery room cracking jokes it just seems to make the nurses and doctors a little more comfortable. Doctors often pause and look at us after breaking news, ready for a melt down. We remain calm, and they always say how incredibly well we take things....only because we like to break down in private, pray, and regroup. So while in surgery the doctors were still cracking jokes, knowing now that, that is the atmosphere we prefer. but as they continue joking around with me, i notice my Jordan is still not in the o.r like he is supposed to be. I begin to panic, did they forget about him? I must have asked the Doctors 3 times where he was before he finally showed. He came in the room so handsome and scrubbed in. They had the separator up, but i could see their shadows, i could see hands moving and cutting, so i look away and at Jordan. My upper body was almost convulsing and my teeth were chattering. My body was going into shock. "Tell me a story" That's what my Jordan always says when he notices me being quite, or can tell I'm nervous. So i told him a story. Then of course i started singing some kanye. mid song i hear a little whimper. Jordan is taking pictures because i am not allowed to see my sweetheart, he is rushed immediately to nicu through a window in the o.r. I see a picture of him and just cry, he whimpered, i heard him. He will be okay.

Our days have become a blur of tubes, De tangling wires, machines, lights, and mask. Our hands and arms are rough, chapped, bleeding, and scabbed from the constant scrub down to get into the nicu. The monitors are my obsession. I get a swell of pride watching baby's numbers be right on track, and his breathing exceed expectations. Then I get a deep heart ache, and anxiety watching those numbers plummet. We may never be home at this point. I let my pessimistic side take over. But then he does it. He looks at me and reminds me I'm there for him, not to hear the constant beep of monitors. He brings me back to life when I see his face, he has this light inside that makes everything right. And when I see him I don't see all the problems, I don't see a baby connected to a million wires, or a preemie, and especially not a baby with down syndrome, in fact, most of the time I forget he has it, I just see my baby. It isn't weird, it isn't awkward, I'm his mommy, it is natural, he is mine. It is the purest form of love.
Jordan and I get to watch a living breathing miracle every single day. We were sent to a hospital out of state so baby could have the best possible care, and surgeries available for that perfect tiny heart.
"Did you see the Eco? It was truly amazing."
 Casey, One of Tregs nurses from the late night of his birth had been keeping tabs on baby, in fact, a lot of nurses have been, he has collected quite the fan club here at the nicu.
I looked up at Casey as I was hanging up my scarf and coat to see him grinning ear to ear.
Jordan and I run into baby's room in the nicu.
Blake is there.
Blake is our favorite nurse, with a very dry sense of humor,  and a secret heart of gold. He is Tregs number  one fan, he would never admit it, he wouldn't play favorites;) but the way he looks at him and cares for him is one of my favorite things to see.
"Did you get the results from the Eco?"
"Well....not officially...but.."
"okay ya not officially but unofficially, off the record...?" Jordan asked
"everything looked awesome....everything."
I cry. Today is the new best day that there has ever been.
Later on we get the official word from the nurse practitioner that every single initial surgery the baby needed is now unnecessary at this current point. He wont need surgery for quite a while.
God is out there, he heard the hundreds of hundreds of prayers for our little one. He decided not just to make our baby healthy with time, but to give us a miracle, there is no other way to describe it. Our angles heart is going to be just fine.
Treg still has a long way to go till we are released, some to do with having downs, some to do with being a preemie, but would i trade this for anything else? If its not him, no thank you. Ive got my angel.